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Learn to Use Discipline Instead of
Punishment
Parenting your child isn't always easy. Most of us never
learned how to teach our children new tasks. Many of us
simply use the method that our parents used on us. Often
that is not the best method.
When it comes to discipline and punishment, many parents
simply don't understand the difference. Parenting is a
skill that all parents should try to master. Here is the
difference between punishment and discipline:
With punishment, the parent demands cooperation.
The child is expected to follow the rules without
needing to understand why. If he breaks the rules, he is
punished either physically or mentally. This does not
teach the child the right way to behave, it simply
teaches him how not to get caught. Let's look at the
differences.
Punishment
Punishment has an adverse effect on how children feel
about themselves (they are bad, they are stupid, they
can't do anything right).
Punishment can raise rebels. If your child behaves only
because he is afraid of retribution, what happens when
he is older and bigger. What happens if you have not
taught him compassion, self respect or emotional
control? Wouldn't life be better if our children did the
right thing because they wanted to - not because they
were forced to?
Young children truly want to be good. If we discipline
them instead of punishing them, they learn how to
control their emotions, self respect and compassion.
Discipline
Discipline involves teaching and guidance. We need to
show our children what we expect and make sure they
understand what is expected before they can do it right.
When we use discipline, we make sure our child knows
what is expected. We make sure our child knows how to
accomplish what is expected. We make sure our child
knows he does not have to be afraid to ask for help. We
encourage our child when he tries. We expect a job well
done and follow through if needed.
Punishment Example:
Mom expects eight year old Jenny to clear the table and
wash the dishes after dinner. She shows Jenny how to do
it on Thursday and tells her that it will be her
responsibility from now on.
On Friday, Jenny clears the table after dinner. She runs
hot water in the sink - but can't remember how much soap
to use. She is afraid to ask mom how much dish soap to
use because mom might get mad at her for not
remembering. So she squirts way too much soap in.
The sink ends up with two inches of water and soap
bubbles to the top of the sink. She can't get all the
dishes clean because she is trying to wash the dishes
without enough water. She is still afraid to go ask mom
for help. She doesn't want to get yelled at. She already
hates this chore.
Mom comes into the kitchen and sees what has happened.
"What are you doing?" she yells. "Can't you see that you
have too much soap? And look how you stacked those
dishes. You're lucky they didn't fall off the counter
and break. What's that on the floor? You made a mess.
Get out of the way. I have to fix the dishwater or those
plates will never get clean. Take this rag and wash the
table. Maybe you can get that right."
Jenny slinks to the table and washes it off while mom
drains the sink and adds water and a little dish soap.
Note: once again, she fails to make sure Jenny knows how
much soap to use! Children do not learn by osmosis. They
need to be taught to do every job that is expected of
them. It would take far less time for mom to teach Jenny
all the steps involved - and be prepared to answer
questions if Jenny forgets a step. At this rate, Jenny
won't learn this simple task for several days. - And it
will be a miserable several days for Jenny.
After Jenny has the dishes washed and setting in the
drying rack, mom comes out to inspect.
"You left food on this plate. Can't you get anything
right? Take this plate back and wash it again. I told
you to make sure every dish was clean. Don't you
listen?"
Not only does Jenny hate this chore, she will hate it
for the rest of her life. She will try to find ways to
get out of doing it. And, probably, she will not
remember why she hates it so much.
Mom has contributed to Jenny's low self esteem. Jenny
believes that she is stupid, messy, and doesn't listen
well. She hates the chore and she is learning to hate
herself.
Do you see the punishment? It wasn't physical. It was
mental - and will hurt Jenny for the rest of her life.
Same example using discipline:
Mom expects eight year old Jenny to clear the table and
wash the dishes after dinner. She shows Jenny how to do
it on Thursday and tells her that it will be her
responsibility from now on. She tells Jenny to be sure
to ask if she has any questions.
On Friday, Jenny clears the table after dinner. She runs
hot water in the sink - but can't remember how much soap
to use. She finds mom and admits that she forgot how
much soap to use.
Mom comes to the kitchen and starts the dishwater. She
takes the bottle and squeezes three drops under the
running water.
"It usually takes three or four drops." she says.
"You'll get the hang of it after a few days."
(Encouragement) She then leaves Jenny with a reminder
that she will be nearby if Jenny has more questions.
Jenny washes the dishes without any more problems. She
feels proud of herself for accomplishing a new task.
Mom comes out to check the job. "You did a great job,
Jenny. I see that you remembered to rinse the soap out
of the sink when you finished. That's great!" (Praise
the attempt)
Then mom continues "Oh, look at this plate. It still has
food on it. You'll have to rewash that one. It'll just
take a minute and then the job will be perfect." (Point
out the error without putting down the effort.)
Jenny feels proud of herself because she accomplished
the task without too many mistakes. She learned what she
did wrong and will get it right tomorrow.
She can't wait until tomorrow when she knows she will be
able to do the task without help.
Mom has raised Jenny's self esteem by teaching her how
to do the task and praising her attempt. She's helped
Jenny through the tougher parts of the task without
making Jenny feel stupid. The two mistakes that Jenny
had will not be remembered because mom simply told her
how to correct them while still ensuring that Jenny
didn't feel bad about herself.
Discipline gives us children who are happy to do chores
Jenny is on her way to growing up with good self esteem
and good work habits. Jenny will never hate doing
dishes. She may wish she didn't have to, but the task
will not bother her.
Look at some of the ways you expect your children to
complete tasks. Try to find ways to help them learn to
do the task right without putting the child down.
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